I feel ashamed when I think of my past behavior.
It's not how I want to remember myself. How do I reconcile this? All of these feelings?
I know God forgave me when I was baptized; but SERIOUSLY, the VERY thought of doing any of those things, ever, APPALLS me!
I believe that it is a mercy, that the Holy Spirit has filled me so completely that I feel PHYSICALLY REPULSED at the ideas of certain things that I know I did not that long ago. It's an awful feeling, remembering certain memories. I feel ashamed. Full of shame. It's something I am having a hard time putting into words.
It was LITERALLY a complete change of heart. It happened quickly. VERY quickly. The moment God told me that I must seek the church and baptism or I would loose that small quiet voice, forever. Only then did I realize how little I had REALLY bothered to listen to it for most of my adult life. I took it for granted that it would always be there, when I needed it.
The thought of loosing it horrified me completely.
At that time, I began changing my behaviors, gradually.
I have since changed:
- My manner of dress (many items of clothing were removed from my wardrobe completely - not even layering would work). I RESPECT my body as a child of God. I am a sister to Christ. My big brother wouldn't want me showing my body in disrespectful ways.
- My way of speaking (no more vulgarities)... and it is difficult at times, I will admit. I have had that habit since I was a small child. I am using it as an opportunity to strengthen my vocabulary as well as evaluate the reason behind using expletives in the first place.
- I strive to be a calmer and gentler person.
- The music I listen to: I no longer listen to a lot of heavy metal. Quieter music with a positive message is my preference right now. Especially no drama-filled music (this is VERY difficult for a girl who likes her country!).
- The way I spend my time: I am spending my time between doing my best to help others each day as well as learn more about the scriptures every. I read or listen to scripture at least an hour every day. I have been walking every day. Taking time to play with Athena and get outside. Even on the bad days.
These are changes that have made my spirit SHINE! I have felt BETTER and BETTER inside and out with each progressive change.
Heavenly Father filled me with the desire to only do what I had put my intention behind: Start on a virtuous path. Leave sin behind and walk forward into the LIGHTE!!!
I thank God for His hand in my life. He reached out and grabbed me by the nap of the neck and said "WAKE UP!!!" LITERALLY. That is how it feels.
A changed heart indeed. A FULL heart. Full to bursting.
I love my Lord.
Heavenly Father, Thank you for all Your heavenly blessings. In Jesus' name I say this. amen.
I respect the personal efforts you are making to heed the individual promptings the Spirit is directing to you. Many may think membership in the Lord's church is enough, and that just by showing up the gospel will "happen" to them, change them even if they don't change the way they live apart from church. But that's the idea of being "acted upon" and not "acting" as the Lord would have us. He cannot force change or church or learning upon us; He advocates agency, He died for us to retain that power to choose and change ourselves. The Spirit is the exact tool (and gift) that moves people to change. So if you feel that you shouldn't listen to dramatic music, as simple as that act seems and as easy as it could be to ignore, if you do heed the Spirit you will make a certain friend out of His constant companionship, and you WILL, so help me, have a full restoration of virtue within you, or Jesus' name isn't Christ, the Healer and Redeemer! :)
ReplyDeleteYou may retain the memory of past deeds, sins, behaviors that would bring one shame, but when you call upon Christ, as you are doing, the memory of those deeds will no longer drag up shame. (Alma 36) It is wisdom and mercy in the mind of God that our minds keep a memory of the sin, but once repentant, it need not bring up the remorse. I also personally believe that if we do not dwell on mental reruns of the sins we have repented of, God will grant us a faded memory of the sad specifics. A little regret will remain, maybe always, but the remorse ends in Christ.
How blessed the individual who ever heeds the invitation, "Come, follow me"!
Finally, don't spend any worry on the personal judgments coming from imperfect and tradition-minded men and women. Even in the Church there are members who believe they know the "way things should be" but there are many people walking the strait and narrow. Sure, there's one path, and we have the prophets to clearly show us which path to follow, but there are many different speeds of shuffling down that path, and it's the SPIRIT who knows how things "should be"! Never be ashamed that you may not know "where to step," as it were, because you're new to the thick culture of the Church. What's important is that you're following the footsteps of the Savior, which steps lead us to the Father. Jesus had daily opportunities to take offense because He wasn't doing things the way they "should be done," but He heeded the guidance of His Father, through the Spirit. And He is our perfect example; if we are following Him we are protected even from offense. So onward ever onward, step by step, to the Father we go, ever imperfect but certainly striving to keep moving and help others on our way.
Anyway, long comment! Keep following the Spirit, standing in holy places, and stepping after the Lord. (Also, my steps are never adorned with nylons and I still feel the Spirit loud and clear! haha) I'm glad the Spirit found another follower!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond! I had the opportunity to check out your latest post as well and was rewarded with your beautiful words. You are an incredibly talented young woman!
DeleteIn the past couple of months since this was written and posted, my feelings have changed dramatically. I had no idea what the "change of heart" really meant! Listening to prompts of the Constant Companion that is the Holy Spirit, has allowed me so many insights into my past behavior, and it is almost as soon as I gain that insight, the memory of the action begins to fade.
I have been gifted with so many blessings each and every day. The adversary still attempts to attack, but I can see evil for what it is. I seek the Light of Christ, daily.
I thank God on a daily basis for the blessings of Latter-Day Saints who stop in and read my words. May God bless each and every one of you, whether you leave a comment or not!
~Maggie